.

It is that time of the year again.  Not Christmas or winter, but the season of ugly sweater parties.  I don’t understand the origin of these parties.  When did it become so easy to find ugly holiday sweaters?  I have to assume that there a surplus of festive sweaters in the 80s and 90s and now they are finally reaching our thrift stores, where they are purchased by college students and worn to party.
.
There is another thing I don’t understand about ugly sweater parties: why don’t I get invited to more?  I feel like I’m a pretty cool guy and I certainly enjoy parties.  Sure I’m not a fan of eggnog but I have a lot of ugly sweaters.  I wear them frequently in the winter so that I might get invited but so far I haven’t been invited.  It is another depressing holiday season for me to sit home alone and wear a sweater with snowflakes on it.
.
Next time: Nazi Fashion

.

This is not an attack against all art.  There is a lot of great art out there.  This is good.  So is this.  I even like this.  What I don’t understand is how something like this.  What makes this art?  Is art simply something that was made by a person and we can see?  If that isn’t the case then why is this is a museum?

.

I have made some art projects in the past.  I made a cow out of papier-mâché that I am very proud of.  Should that be in a museum?  No, because it is terrible.  Then why are there pieces of art that look like someone sneezed in a handkerchief and got it framed?  If I could make it then it shouldn’t be art.  I am not talented.
.

Next Time: Ugly Sweater Parties

.

Normal human beings should not enjoy spicy foods.  Spicy foods make me uncomfortable, sweaty, and ruin the flavor of food.  I know that spicy foods are a great way for guys to prove their manhood.  Nothing says tough guy like eating a bottle of Volcano hot sauce, but what is the point?  Burritos are good.  Tacos are good.  Chili is good.  Other foods are also good.  We don’t need to slap hot sauce onto them.

.

Spiciness is not a flavor.  It is a flavor destroyer.  How does it enhance flavor if your tongue falls off?  I don’t know about other people but I prefer my diarrhea to not be on fire.  Thanks but no thanks.  I’ll pass on the spicy.

Next time: Art

.

I enjoy award shows.  Usually, not the awards themselves, but I like some of the speeches and the comedians who present or host.  Any person who watches award shows knows the phrase, “It was an honor just to be nominated.”  It seems when celebrities lose they always talk about the honor of being nominated.  To me and I assume many viewers, this seemed fake.  I know what would be an honor: not losing.  Then this happened to me.

.

.

After losing at the regional Emmy awards, some people may get depressed and hit the bar pretty hard.  Instead, I came to understand what these losers were talking about for all of these years.  I suddenly became aware that losing at the Emmy’s was far better than not losing at the Emmy’s.  In other words, I know that being nominated is an honor.  I still want to win one though.

Next time: Spicy Foods

.

I am tired of seeing every electronic device with a screen have a built in camera.  The idea is not bad for certain devices.  Computers with built in cameras, for instance, are useful.  It is quick and easy to get a picture onto your computer for editing, emailing, and anything else.  Cameras on phones also make a little sense to me.  People always have their phones with them and they can also send their photos.  It is unfortunate that the quality of these cameras is poor, but size is a sacrifice for quality.
.
The last straw for me was seeing that the new iPod nanos have built in cameras.  Why do you need a camera on an iPod?  Were there customers out there who liked iPods but refused to buy them because they couldn’t take pictures?  Of all products the iPod nano is about the silliest thing to put a camera on.  What’s next putting a camera on the back of our camera?
.

Next Time: Vintage TIDU: Nomination Honors

.

Some people are going to read this heading and think that I am stupid.  “Old Joe doesn’t understand mashed taters?  What an idiot!”  First off, that is rude.  Second, I am probably not stupid.  As I enjoyed my Thanksgiving feast this past Thursday I eagerly awaited the best part of the day: the meal.  I was very excited to enjoy turkey, cranberries, and my favorite: the mashed potatoes.  I always take an extra large portion and load it with gravy.  It is what I do.

.

You can imagine my shock when I sat at the table and couldn’t find the mashed potatoes.  I saw the sweet potatoes, but couldn’t find the classic regular ones.  I immediately began to feel dizzy as panic set in.  Surely we would have mashed potatoes.  Everybody loves mashed potatoes, right?  I regained my composure and said quite casually, “Are there mashed potatoes?”  I looked my mom in the eyes and her uneasy glance told me all I needed to know.  There would be no mashed potatoes.

.

I don’t understand Thanksgiving without mashed potatoes.  How could I give thanks for anything without my rock and my true love, mashed potatoes?

.

Now here it is 4 days later and I still have no answers, only an empty place in my heart and my stomach where the mashed potatoes belong.

.

Next Time: Poor Quality Cameras On Electronic Devices

.

This post is in response to the recent hullabaloo about hazing that is taking place at Drake University.  I live right between the Phi Delta Theta house and the house where the incident took place.  I was delighted to see my home in some of the news stories.

.

I have friends in various fraternities.  All fraternities seem to enjoy alcohol and the consumption of it, or at least the cool ones.  (Everyone knows drinking is cool.)  I don’t have a problem specifically with hazing or alcohol, but I have a problem with hazing that involves Everclear.

.

The definition of hazing is to “force new or potential recruits to perform strenuous, humiliating, or dangerous tasks.”

.

I can certainly understand the pleasure of making somebody do something they don’t want to do.  Power is fun and intoxicating.  I certainly enjoy yelling at people who are younger than me.  I love making my younger cousins do things for me, and I also like to humiliate them.  When I was on the volleyball team I made the freshmen set up the nets and carry the balls to the bus.  We can all agree that hazing is fun and should be done more frequently.

.

But why Everclear.  Everclear is a “beverage” that has nearly twice the concentration of alcohol as most vodkas..  I have to wonder is Everclear even edible?  Certainly I could eat a milkshake made of blended glass but it would make me sick and possible kill me.  The same is true of Everclear.  This stuff is gross, deadly, and delicious.  A terrible combination.

.

Future hazers should stick to paddling and public humiliation.

.

Next Time: Mashed Potatoes

.

I have heard the argument for thongs.  They are the underwear that takes on VPL (visible panty lines).  The less fabric, the less unsightly lines showing the shape of the underwear that you chose.

.

Thongs are made of some very small strips of fabric, sewn together to just barely cover the front bits with a string flowing between the buttocks.  I don’t need to floss in between my buttcheeks, that’s why I use toilet paper.  How could this be comfortable?  There are some things that I won’t do for fashion and the thong is right between spray-tanning and mesh clothing.

.

Though thongs do their job, I can’t understand why anyone would wear them.  No guy would ever notice a woman’s VPL and say, “That’s a turnoff.”  VPL is not something that registers in a man’s head.  An attractive person is an attractive person, regardless of underwear.  Instead of thinking about the kind of underwear that people wear, men just put women into 2 groups: the people that I want to see only in their underwear and people that I don’t want to see in only their underwear.

.

I have to admit that wearing a thong is probably better than going commando.  I need cotton down there and I have a fear of zippers doing damage.

.

Bloggers Note:  The only time men should wear thongs is if they are strippers or they are at Mardi Gras.

.

Next Time: Hazing

.

Vampires have never been cooler.  Between the success of Twilight and this video vampires are something to be desired, and mysterious, even sexy.  I don’t understand this.  Outside of the realm of Count Chocula, vampires don’t make sense to me.  Why should I like a creature that feeds on my blood and then turns into a bat?  I don’t want to share my blood with anyone unless I get paid by the pint.  Also bats are are one of the grossest creatures around (right next to cockroaches.)  If women were really interested in skinny pale undernourished males then I would be People Magazine’s sexiest man alive.

.

Can a romance exist between a vampire and a human?  It would be like dating a former cannibal.  Here is what that would be like:

.

Hi mom, this is my new boyfriend, Tedward Mullen.  He used to eat human flesh, but don’t worry now he only eats animal flesh.  I am totally ok with that.  It is not like he’s a vampire or anything.

.

That movie would undoubtedly make millions and it illustrates my point: vampires are essentially cannibals on liquid diets except vampires are creepier.  My other point is that my skin tone is similar to a vampires.  Have a good day!

.

Next Time: Turtlenecks